Remembering LeKZ

For those who haven’t read the backlog, our best friend LeKZ died a few weeks ago, after a long and distressing illness.

For all the antagonism between some of us and them, those of us who knew them and loved them find ourselves missing them more each day. Too many times does one of us think “must tell LeKZ about that”, and then get that sinking feeling when we realise we won’t be having that conversation, ever. It’s not getting easier, but harder. We’re finding ourselves having conversations with them in our head, and we knew them so well that we can easily respond as they would. It almost feels like they’re on the verge of being introjected, but we won’t let that happen. That would be too much, too painful, too wrong for us.

But it’s so hard to let go. Even harder when you know that we’re the executor of the will, and have a room full of their belongings in our house. Constant reminders. It’s heartbreaking to go through her things, stuff that meant something to her, and have to decide what to keep and what to give to charity. The sad remnants of someone’s life, sat in boxes and bags, all there is to show that they were here. Apart from memories, of course. Lots of memories.

The only person/s who knew them, as they were, all of them as individuals, was us. Their names, their personalities, their quirks, loves and hates, habits, voices, nobody knew except us. So it’s down to us to remember them all. We didn’t just lose a friend, we lost so many friends. It kind of feels like a natural disaster wiped out a couple of hundred, and we knew them all.

“There’s just some things that time cannot erase” – Evanescence

interacting is so hard sometimes

some days, it’s so hard to interact with the outside world.

we can read, and we do, but when we try to interact, to post, to respond, it’s like having a handful of sand.

every little grain of sand is a word, a thought, a feeling, but we can’t hold on to any of them, they just slip through our fingers.

life goes on inside, but the world outside of the body seems ephemeral, out of reach.

we sit and stare at the walls, at the computer screen, nobody really fronting, just drifting.

we write blog posts, long intense emails, but somewhere between the brain and the keyboard, they get lost.

we are not disconnected from each other, but we are from the outside world.

Life is hard. Dissociation is easy.

days like this don’t scare us. it’s peaceful. just drifting.

It cannot last though. We must reconnect. We must find our anchors again.

We always do.

But never think that we don’t care. We care a lot. It’s just sometimes we have a hard time saying so.

forgive us? we are sorry.