Time machine please…

I think I did something stupid.

I shared my real name with someone.

No reciprocation, not even acknowledgement.

I feel unsafe now. I wish I didn’t. I do trust this person, it’s just… I don’t feel safe. It’s only the second time I’ve done this, and it meant a lot to me. I don’t know how to handle this. Do I ask the person why? Do I let it go? If I let it go, will the unsafe feelings stop in time? If I ask why it’s been ignored, will I create bad feelings with this person? I don’t know.

I wish I’d kept my mouth shut.

Remembering LeKZ

For those who haven’t read the backlog, our best friend LeKZ died a few weeks ago, after a long and distressing illness.

For all the antagonism between some of us and them, those of us who knew them and loved them find ourselves missing them more each day. Too many times does one of us think “must tell LeKZ about that”, and then get that sinking feeling when we realise we won’t be having that conversation, ever. It’s not getting easier, but harder. We’re finding ourselves having conversations with them in our head, and we knew them so well that we can easily respond as they would. It almost feels like they’re on the verge of being introjected, but we won’t let that happen. That would be too much, too painful, too wrong for us.

But it’s so hard to let go. Even harder when you know that we’re the executor of the will, and have a room full of their belongings in our house. Constant reminders. It’s heartbreaking to go through her things, stuff that meant something to her, and have to decide what to keep and what to give to charity. The sad remnants of someone’s life, sat in boxes and bags, all there is to show that they were here. Apart from memories, of course. Lots of memories.

The only person/s who knew them, as they were, all of them as individuals, was us. Their names, their personalities, their quirks, loves and hates, habits, voices, nobody knew except us. So it’s down to us to remember them all. We didn’t just lose a friend, we lost so many friends. It kind of feels like a natural disaster wiped out a couple of hundred, and we knew them all.

“There’s just some things that time cannot erase” – Evanescence

interacting is so hard sometimes

some days, it’s so hard to interact with the outside world.

we can read, and we do, but when we try to interact, to post, to respond, it’s like having a handful of sand.

every little grain of sand is a word, a thought, a feeling, but we can’t hold on to any of them, they just slip through our fingers.

life goes on inside, but the world outside of the body seems ephemeral, out of reach.

we sit and stare at the walls, at the computer screen, nobody really fronting, just drifting.

we write blog posts, long intense emails, but somewhere between the brain and the keyboard, they get lost.

we are not disconnected from each other, but we are from the outside world.

Life is hard. Dissociation is easy.

days like this don’t scare us. it’s peaceful. just drifting.

It cannot last though. We must reconnect. We must find our anchors again.

We always do.

But never think that we don’t care. We care a lot. It’s just sometimes we have a hard time saying so.

forgive us? we are sorry.

So, we’re getting older

It’s our birthday on Friday. We’re being spoilt that day. We’re going for McDonalds breakfast with our friends, and out to dinner in our fave restaurant in the evening with mum, dad, Paul and the kids. It’s going to be exhausting, but in a good way!

It’s a milestone birthday this year, and that makes ua think of all the things we haven’t done with our life, and all the things we wish we could do. We see friends from school, who weren’t as bright as us, and they’ve got great jobs and lots of money and go away on these amazing holidays all the time. And then there’s us, who live on benefits, are disabled, crippled, and haven’t had a holiday in 20 years. It’s depressing at times. There are so many things we used to be able to do. We’ve been a pre-school teaching assistant, a gold dealer, a pawnbroker, a shop manager,  a motorbike mechanic, run our own milk delivery round, and when we had to stop working, we were a double glazing company appointments and personnel manager. So much potential for a rich and varied life, and it’s all gone.

It hurts to feel your life is passing you by, and big birthdays like this one just rub salt in the wounds.

Still, we’re alive, and that counts for something! We have a wonderful fiancé, gorgeous kids, a family we’ve built and wouldn’t change for the world. And we might not have had all of that if we’d been healthy and circumstances had been different. We’d have been different. So I guess life has compensated us for all the things we’ve lost, by giving us what we have now. And we should try and take some measure of comfort in that.

We’ve also got a safe, stable and loving world inside, where people are generally happy and content. Sure we have our problems, but overall, we’re good. And that’s something else to cherish.

So, it’s our birthday on Friday. And we’ll celebrate! And eat! And we’ll enjoy it as best we can!

Nick