Bad times

Our friend, and for many of us, more, is in hospital. They’re a multiple system that some of us have relationships with some of them. It’s complicated!

They had a wound in their foot which was stitched up. The very next day they ripped out the stitches, and left the wound open for a week, so of course it got infected. Cue the ambulance and a stay in hospital. They started acting really odd and paranoid and kinda delusional while they were there, and ended up signing out AMA. Did I mention that we were back and forward from the hozzie coz the nurses kept calling us to go in and calm them down?

2 days later, we’re on the phone, and realise they’re not making any sense. Totally confused, paranoid, thinking people have guns and are coming for them. So again, we call them an ambulance and stay on the phone for an hour waiting for it to come. They had to wait for police backup coz our friend has a history of being abusive and aggressive. They get rushed in, and the docs think the infection has spread and is making them act this way. We think different.

Turns out we were right. They did scans and lumbar punctures and tests, and the infection hadn’t spread. Instead, it’s a psychotic break, and they need psych care. We go in to visit, and they don’t recognise us much, and are spewing hate and vitriol at us, hitting all of our weak points and triggers. So they recognised us enough, I reckon.

They’re still there, waiting for a psych bed, as far as we know. The poor nurses. Our friend is raging delusional, thinks the nurses are trying to kill them, and are wandering through the ward, bursting into the other patient’s rooms and screaming at them. They now have a dedicated nurse with them all the time.

We’re angry coz we’ve been begging them to get psych care for 6 years, and they’ve always blown us off and attacked us for even daring to think that. They always have to be right, you see. It hurts to know that we were right, and to be hurt because we dared to say something. We’ve been hurt so many times over the years by them, but we stayed coz we care. So yeah, we’re angry that all that hurt could have been avoided, if only they didn’t have the burning need to always be right about everything.

And we’re worried about them, coz we care. We don’t know if they’ll be the same people when this is under control. Will those of us with partners there still have them? Or will we be left, alone. We don’t know. We can only hope.

It’s a bad situation all round, it really is.

-Blaine

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OMG. Justice for the 96?

The true reports from Hillsborough have been released! And they prove that it was a cover-up by South Yorkshire Police. Just what we always knew, but to have it proven… I don’t have the words. 23 years.

Fuck you Duckenfield, you murdering scum. So many could have been saved if not for you. You stopped anyone from helping them. You allowed them to be pushed back into the pens to die. You stopped the ambulances from reaching them. You left them to die while you watched. And then you lied and lied and lied. You said they were rioting. You said they were drunk. You said they were stealing from the bodies of the dead. You blamed them for the deaths you caused.

Fuck you, South Yorkshire Police. You fucked up, and murdered 96 innocent people. You herded them to their deaths without a care. You put the blame on the dead, and those who lived with the torment of being there and surviving. You took blood tests for alcohol from the corpses. Some of them were CHILDREN, and you wanted to blame them for their own deaths.

Fuck you, The Sun. Your paper isn’t worth wiping my arse with. So your headlines immediately after were the”truth”? So the fans were pissing on the dead, were they? Stealing from them? Beating up the poor hard-done-by police who were “helping”? You’ve been proven for the fucking liars that you are. You wouldn’t print the truth if you knew it. Kelvin McKenzie, you’re the lowest of the low, pond scum is above you.

Well, I guess I had some words after all. The fury hasn’t abated.

We will never forget. Justice for the 96. YNWA.

Crying

Just had a blow-up with P. We’d left a pair of boots in the living room and he tripped over them. So he threw them across the room and cursed us out. Then, when we went to hug him, he pushed us away and said no hugs for us until we learn to do better and put stuff away.

I had to jump in and get us away before we broke down in sobs. I just said fine, and took us upstairs to bed. It’s only 6pm but who cares. We don’t cry in front of people, even our partner of 17 years. It’s too vulnerable, and we hate feeling vulnerable. Vulnerable always got us punished, or mocked, or told to stop being so silly. Or it was thrown back in our face. Showing weakness wasn’t allowed. It’s a very hard lesson to un-learn.

I can shut down my emotions in situations like this. That’s why it’s me writing. I’m angry, and numb. Others are sobbing their hearts out. Withholding of affection is one of our few remaining triggers, and it’s a big one. Being told we have to be better to be worthy of affection is a fast trip back to childhood. The closed throat, the choking feeling, the place inside where we feel worthless, it’s all there. Again.

I have to write, because the feelings need to be aired. Otherwise, they’ll fester.

I can feel the rising need to cry coming from Inside, so I’ll step back and let it happen now. People need the release of tears.

And yes, we still love him. We just can’t deal with things that most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at. Thanks trauma for fucking us up.

Matthias