THIS BLOG HAS MOVED

http://darklys.co.uk/

I’ve moved to a self-hosted WordPress blog. All new content will be there. All poetry and prose will be moved over there as I get round to it.

Please come follow me there. You can follow me by email or RSS, I’m set up for both. I’d love to see some familiar faces.

Thanks for reading here. I’ve loved meeting you all, and I really hope that at least some of you will come with me.

Transitions

I have a son. He’s wonderful, he’s handsome, he’s caring, loving and he means the world to me. He’s 18. I love him with all my heart.

He came out to me and his Dad a couple of years ago. Neither of us batted an eyelash. As long as he’s safe and happy, that’s all that matters. I’ve supported him every step of the way. And I’ll never stop loving him.

 

He talks to me about most things in his life, knowing that I’ll never judge him, and I’ll be there for him. I give him advice, and he sometimes takes it, sometimes not. And that’s ok, because advice is always to be offered, not forced upon someone. We’re close, really close. And I love that! How could I not?

He dropped a bombshell on me yesterday. He’s been buying women’s clothes and cross-dressing in his room. Funnily enough, I’m good with that. I really am. Like I said, I want him to be happy. I even told him where to get decent clothes at reasonable prices! I’m being as supportive as I can. He’s my child, and I love him, no matter what.

 

Thing is, he’s been thinking about this for months, and he thinks he might want to try living as a woman. And he’s stumped me. I’ll support any choices he makes, it’s his life and his body, all I can do is be there for him and with him, and love him. I know what a hard decision he’s facing, and my heart breaks for him.

 

Thing is, what do I do? Who can I talk to about how I feel? His Dad isn’t really all that supportive, he thinks it’s just a phase, but what if it isn’t? I’m a horrible person in that I don’t want this to be real, I don’t want my son to be gone. Yes, I know I’ll gain a daughter, but that’s not the point, is it? I feel so selfish for even thinking this, but I can’t help it. I guess lots of parents in my position go through the same thing, conflicting feelings, but it doesn’t stop me from hating myself for it.Maybe I’ll adapt in time, but right now I’m not there yet.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m there for my child, no matter what. I love my child, no matter what. I support my child, no matter what. I’ll be his rock, his shoulder to lean on, his arms to cry in, and his Mum who loves him. Always.

So why am I crying?

New bed!

I’m getting a new bed on Monday! I absolutely cannot wait. My old one is past it, lots of the slats are broken, and the mattress… well, the less said the better. Painful.

My new one is only a single, but that’s perfect for me. It’s a good one, a divan, with memory foam on the top of a really deep mattress. I’m so looking forward to a good nights sleep, and to waking up without serious pain. Sounds like sheer bliss!

More will be said once I’ve had my first sleepie on it.

I’m back!

Did ya miss me?!

Been in hospital for a little while. I even spent my birthday inpatient, which wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t too bad. I made some new friends, who I’m still in contact with, and a couple of the girls on the ward even bought me cards and prezzies! Good friends.

I’m still in a fair bit of pain, and they still don’t know what’s causing it, but that’s par for the cause. On the plus side, I’m finally on a decent insulin regime, so I should be seeing results from that soon, which is a relief.

It’s nice to be home.

R.I.P. Ron

I know I’m late, but I just found out that one of my favourite bloggers has died. Ron hadn’t been at all well for a long time, and he was badly let down by those health professionals who were supposed to help him. Still, he blogged relentlessly, everything from disability rights and politics, to wonderful recipes, and so much more besides. He had a brilliant mind, and such a turn of phrase, that every post was a brilliant read.

Rest in peace Ron. May you finally be in a place of no pain, and of peace. You are missed.

https://ronsrants.wordpress.com/

Creativity

So, my creativity seems to have kick-started again. I’ve been pottering around in Paint Shop Pro for the past couple of weeks, getting used to it again. I used to do graphic work a few years ago, but with the depression getting bad, I lost that spark. Now it’s back.

Just for the hell of it, I’ve opened stores on Zazzle, CafePress and Spreadshirt. Lots of products with exclusive designs by l’il old me! Links will pe on a page up at the top, called shops. Clever, huh?!

Now, I’m not posting this as an advert, and I’m not going to beg you to buy stuff. The whole point is that my spark is back, and I’m creating again. And this make me happy.

i want to write

i want to write
see words flow across paper
feel the letters form
feelings
the need to express
it burns inside
i feel my fingers twitch
the urge to commit phrases
to paper
to explain, to extol
to eulogise
i want to write
but the words won’t flow
they remain, caged up inside
beating against barb-wire fences
in their bid for freedom
tear themselves apart
random letters, fragmented
thoughts ache for release
i need to write
open the pressure valve
set my mind free
break the torment of silence
tell the story of my soul
tears flow like mountain streams
but i have no words

 

©DarkPhoenix 2015