Dunno where this is going, but…

This might make sense, there’s even a remote chance there’ll be pearls of wisdom in here, but don’t hold your breath. It’s more likely to be stream-of-consciousness crap.

It’s been a while so I doubt there’s anyone left to read this, but that’s ok. We haven’t been here to comment or support anyone, so that’s fair.

Our friend has been in hospital since January. In and out, bouncing between the medical hospital and the psych hospital. They’ve had a total breakdown. They spent a week on a respirator in ICU coz they won’t take their meds coz they think they’re poison. They’re refusing to let us visit, or even talk on the phone. They’re refusing to talk to their mum, and she’s 88 and lives in the US and is worried sick. It hurts to be rejected like this. Some of us have relationships with some of them, but now we don’t know if that’s true anymore. Left hanging. It hurts bad. Saddest of all is the cold, dead spot that’s growing where the love used to be. We can only take so much, and they’ve been pretty terrible to us for years. We feel like we’re losing them, already lost them, and we’re losing the will to care. That should break our heart, but somehow it’s just a hollow ache of no-more.

Life is hell sometimes.

Our shrink changed our psych meds. We’ve come off Zyprexa and changed to Seroquel. The plus side is we’ve lost 21lbs. The downside is that it doesn’t seem to keep us emotionally level like the Z did. We’re having highs and lows again, and we’re struggling to cope. Badly.  But after 4 years of being level, the lows are horrific. We’re a turtle in a shell, able to peek out at the world, but incapable of interacting with it. It’s too much. It feels like crushing pressure, and we hate that. We like interacting with our friends. We miss you, all of you.

Especially Jaime, a faint voice whispers. Soft, broken sobbing is heard, then fades away.

We start psychotherapy soon, and that terrifies us. Telling a stranger how we feel, what we think… Who We Are. That we’re here, we’re real, we exist. No no no, that’s all wrong, oh no. Back in the shell, denial denial.

We’re in constant pain now. We don’t see the colo-rectal surgeon till October. October. In 24/7 pain, can’t sit, even lying down hurts. Let’s not talk about the fear of needing the bathroom. Burning, stabbing pain that never ends. And months to wait for surgery. Don’t think we can cope for that long. Pain makes a person crazy out of their minds. We’re crying a lot.

Everything seems like it’s spiraling out of control, like a plane falling from the sky, trailing plumes of smoke and fire in it’s wake. Will we eject before it hits the ground, or will we be paste on the runway. We can’t find the eject button. Oh gods, where is it. The g-force is crushing our chest, it’s so hard to breathe. Don’t wanna write this, don’t wanna say. Wear the mask and pretend we’re good, like always. Don’t be a burden. Ever.

안녕  annyeong

7 thoughts on “Dunno where this is going, but…

  1. this is a really heartbreaking state of affairs but we’re relieved to hear from you and i hope that sharing about your situation here is cathartic.

    i’m really sorry to hear about your friend(s). we were hoping they would be improving, and we still hope for that but right now it sounds quite dire. 😦 the hollow ache of “no more” is one we really empathize with and we’re so sad to know you are experiencing that. you’re right that people can only take so much and after that the only option is to numb out because it’s not possible to feel all of it. it hurts my heart to know you are suffering like this. you all matter very much to us (and yes, there is an especial pang of missing and longing for blaine from our dear weakened jaime….he wants so badly to be well enough to reach for you…i hope he can contact you soon, he thinks of you often and of course loves you).

    constant pain is no way to live, but i hope you are not wanting to die. we would not begrudge you the thought, goodness knows we’ve had it often enough in our own suffering, but we do very much care about you and want you to be glad you are alive. i can’t imagine the physical pain you are talking about, it sounds unbearable. to bear it every day is unimaginable too, but from what we know of you, you have experienced much physical distress in your lives (much more than most other humans) and somehow keep living, keep loving, keep your senses of humor, your wisdom, your appreciation for beautiful things in life, your good and kind hearts. i’m so sorry you’re suffering, friends. we do not want you to suffer, but we are not afraid to hear about it and please don’t be afraid to tell about it — we love you and want you to heal, and part of healing is feeling able to share the burden (even slightly) with others. we do not enjoy knowing that you are suffering, but we do want to know how you are, and how you feel, and so if you are suffering, we do want to know (and if you are not suffering, we would love to know that!).

    you’re right that life is hell sometimes. i won’t try to soften that. but we are here with the ability and inclination to listen, we care, and we have safe hugs to offer as well as shoulders to lean on. i know you said you are having ups and downs that make communication difficult, so there is no pressure to reach out if you cannot, but we are here, we haven’t gone anywhere (we won’t).

    the feeling of spiralling is awful. i’m sorry you’re experiencing it. i know that for us, when we’re spiralling, we feel like nothing we say will make sense to anyone sane, and we just can’t explain what’s going on, it’s all just overwhelming. it feels like we’re alone. well what you wrote here makes complete sense, and it doesn’t scare us off, we know what it’s like to feel like we’re falling and there’s nothing to hold onto, and we worry that others will go away because it unnerves them or they don’t know what to say or do. well we’re not going away, none of this makes us want to leave. you mentioned you don’t want to be a burden. you’re not a burden, not ever, being silent for months and then speaking up and saying what you’ve been going through, that’s not burdensome. hearing your struggles is not a burden, it is what friends want to do for each other. 🙂

    we love you and are thinking of you. i’m sorry we can’t be there, we can’t do anything to affect the things causing you pain. but we are here for you and we have lots of love for you and we hope you can sense how much you mean to us. ❤


    • No matter what, yous always know just the right thing to say. Thank you for being such good friends to us, we don’t feel like we deserve yous.
      We see the psych doc in a couple of weeks, so we’re going to bring all of this up with him in the hopes that he can help us. He mentioned augmenting our anti-dep, but we have no idea with what. Whatever it is, we hope the hell it works. We need help. (that was one of the toughest things we’ve ever written *cold sweats* )
      Don’t worry, we’re not suicidal. We’re getting that fucking urge to cut the left wrist again, but it’s not suicidality. It’s like a compulsion. It’s fucking with our head. We won’t do it though. We haven’t cut in 20 years, we’re not about to start again now. It’ was too damn hard to stop in the first place.
      Thanks for still wanting us, it kinda feels surreal, like why, y’know? But hell, we’re not gonna push yous away, we’re not that fucked up!
      We really hope yous are ok. We think about yous a lot, and we care about yous.
      *hugs* from us to you.


  2. oh youre not a burden, not ever. so sorry for all the stuff going wonky all at the same time. that really makes things hard, especially so when they werent exactly easy to begin with. hang in there.


    • Thanks so much Kat. We try so much to shake the feeling of being a burden, but, well, childhood training is hard to shake off *sigh*. We’re still hanging in there though, we’re too stubborn to let go completely. *hugs*


  3. It’s so very nice to see you though it is heartbreaking that you’ve had such a time of it. I wish you had a happy time away from here. I’m sorry your friend isn’t allowing anyone in to be supportive. Sometimes people who struggle mentally have a really hard time letting others being any point of support (I see it a bit with your desire to not be a burden- which of course you aren’t).
    I hope things start turning around for you. Being in such pain is rotten. Sending lots of healing and warm thoughts ❤ ❤ ❤


    • Pen! *hugs* You’ve been missed, my friend. Thanks so much for still being here, it means a lot. We know she’s in a bad way, and we’ve tried everything to get her the help she needs, but it’s not enough. It’s been months now, and there’s only so much we can take of being shut out before we go cold. It’s sad, and we’ll miss them, but it’s kinda going to be down to them to contact us when they’re better. We can’t keep on being the only one’s trying, it’s too one-sided, and that’s a trigger for us.
      *hugs* for you from us all. And Spikey snuffles for Zoe *wuff*


      • You were very much missed. Much worrys about you ❤

        I think that's a good way to view and handle the situation. It is sad. Very sad. But a one-sided situation isn't any more helpful to you, or them. I'm hoping for your sake that they get their act together.

        Did you know Zoe had puppies??? There are many pics on my blog 🙂 Extra snuffles for all of you!


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