Someone’s pushed me too far.
Someone’s pushed me too far.
we got our hair cut yesterday! it’s shorter than we’ve ever had it, just brushing our neck, and it’s multi-layered and choppy and kind of scruffy-looking! it sticks out all over the place coz our hair’s naturally a bit curly, so the layers make it flick out! now it looks just like mine does inside lol and tomorrow, we’re dying it copper lol -jayne
So, the black dog is here. For those that don’t know, black dog is a euphemism for depression. Ours has made itself at home for the winter, and seems content to snooze by the fireside. No amount of chasing has convinced it to go outside in the cold.
It’s become almost impossible to stay downstairs with P in the evenings. The overwhelming urge to be upstairs in bed hits us at about 8pm, and we can only fight it off for so long. By 9pm, we’re upstairs. We have a computer, telly and DVD player in the bedroom, so we’re quite cumfy up there, but we’re alone. P sleeps downstairs because of our pain issues and broken sleep patterns. So our bedroom is our safe haven, ours alone, quiet and peaceful and calming. No disturbances, unless it’s P bringing us a cup of tea and checking we’re ok. He’s really good like that. Or it’s Teenage Son coming in for a chat. Yes, we have a 15 year old son who still wants to chat with his Mum! So, maybe not completely alone, but not downstairs in the hub of family life. We miss that.
And we feel so guilty about buggering off upstairs and leaving P to look after Youngest Son. It makes us feel like a shite parent, and that’s something our Mum instilled in us from the moment TS was born. Everything we did was wrong, every decision we made was wrong, our routine was wrong, the clothes we put him in were wrong, the foods we fed him were wrong. And of course, she was right, and if we didn’t do everything her way, we were a crap parent. She did this for TS, for YS, and she still does it now. Subtle, and not-so-subtle, undermining of us at every turn. Intellectually, we know we’re a good parent. Our kids tell us we’re the best Mum in the world. P knows we’re a good parent, and doesn’t mind us going upstairs when we need to. But we still feel the guilt. Our Mum did a good job on us over the years *sigh*
Come to think of it, she’s undermined and dissed every choice we’ve made in our life. Nice.
Anyways, back to the depression. It’s sucking the life out of us. We just feel so blah all the time. Everything’s an effort, too much effort, can’t we just stay in bed and not have to think about stuff? No, we can’t. Nor do we really want to, we’d be missing out on so much life, time with the kids, time with P. But still, there’s the urge to hide away.
Did I mention, we have a kicking case of PTSD about being stuck in bed? Lovely contradiction of wants and needs and trauma and flashbacks. Sometimes we can’t win for losing.
We had a good Samhainn this year. We lit our candle, and thought of those who have gone before, and told them we loved them and wished them peace and love and happiness. It was very uplifting, and calm, and full of love.
Inside, we had huge roaring bonfires, and everyone walked between them to cleanse themselves. The kids Inside went trick or treating, and got tons of sweets and chocolate! There were turnip lanterns, coz we’re traditional that way, and warm cakes, and treacle tarts, and cinder toffee, and the adults drank honey mead and warmed cider. We put out offerings of food and drink in thanks for the harvest, and for the spirits of those gone before. The celebrations, if that’s the right word, went on through the 1st, and the whole day was warm and comforting and filled with peace and a sense of community. We ended the day with a feast of epic proportions, with tables and benches in the streets, and everyone contributed something, and there was much feasting and raising of glasses and merriment!
Outside, on the 31st, we watched Boo, Halloween 4 and Halloween 5! Nothing like a good horror movie marathon on Hallowe’en!
We manage to celebrate both holidays, without blurring the meanings of either one. Samhainn is for remembrance and reflection, of giving thanks, of meditating on the year gone by, and of those who are no longer with us. A time for community and closeness. Hallowe’en is for fun and sweets and the laughter of kids, and of movie marathons and popcorn. Both have their place in today’s world.
So, it’s flu season. We’re in the at risk group, so we get offered the flu jab every year. We’ve also had the pneumonia jab, which is good. This year we missed the special clinic our GP runs for the flu jab, but the nurses at the practice are really good, and don’t let us miss out. It was our annual asthma review yesterday, and she checked if we’d had the jab. When we said no, she whipped out a syringe and said she’d do it there and then! How’s that for good medical practice!
The actual asthma review went ok. Our O2 sats are borderline, and our peak flow is pretty low, but she said to keep an eye on it and see how we go. We’re getting a new spacer for our inhaler, and a peak flow meter for us to keep at home.
Now, we’re sitting here with a sore arm, a headache and the cough from hell. But we’re under nurses orders not to get a chest infection, so we’re trying not to! We dreamt last night that our arm went black and we had to go to hospital! I hope that wasn’t a prophetic dream!
Anyways, happy november to you all. Now’s the time to start panicing about Christmas lol
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