Of hibernation and hedgehogs

Good Morrow to you, oh wonderful handful of people who actually read here! I realise that a post from us is probably a huge shock, so sit yourselves down and take a few deep breaths. The weirdness of it will soon pass. I think.

Between the beginnings of the winter depression, the infection of the kidneys, the struggle to find housing, and the psychotic friend, it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride, with far too many big drops. There has been much curling up in bed, plenty of sleep disruption, and a probably-not-healthy amount of mindless games playing. The dissociation gets much worse during the winter months, and we have no idea why. It probably means we’re a hedgehog, and have a primal need to hibernate. Or something. Meh.

So. Winter feels unsafe. And yes, this is really strange, because emotionally, we love winter. Wild weather, storms, snow, it’s all good. But physically, we feel unsafe. Edgy. Miserable. The anxiety skyrockets, the panic attacks multiply, and we have an overwhelming urge to be in hospital. Medical hospital, not psych. Like we’re expecting something bad to happen to us physically. Considering the long list of serious medical conditions we live with, this isn’t a totally irrational fear. But why always in the winter? Most of our medical hospitalisations have been in the summer, as we have lousy heat tolerance and heat makes us very ill. Yet something about the nights drawing in, the darker days, it makes everything seem dangerous, scary, unsafe. So we dissociate, not consciously, but obviously in an effort to escape whatever it is.

There are so many horrible things in our past, yet I remember them all. But this, I don’t know. And that scares me.

-Nick

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5 thoughts on “Of hibernation and hedgehogs

  1. it’s nice to see a post from you, and i hope the shock of it will pass soon. πŸ˜‰
    hedgehogs have the right idea about lots of things, except perhaps eating slugs, that seems a bit weird, maybe they’re french.
    i agree there’s something about winter that just makes things a bit more nervewrecking. perhaps it’s instinctual? i imagine humans have a long history of being nervous about surviving the winter. wanting to be in a hospital isn’t so instinctual though, so i’m sorry you’ve had so many bad experiences that you have come to expect hospitalization. i hope it doesn’t come to that, though i suppose you might not have a huge fear of being in the hospital if you want to be there.
    you’ve all had a lot of stress recently, i wonder if maybe the prospect of cold and dark on top of that all is just a bit too much to process right now.
    hibernation sounds quite lovely, to be honest. is there a way to hibernate without also having to eat slugs? i think there must be.
    i hope you are all cozy and warm for the colder weather, and that you’re feeling physically well enough to be able to combat the mental malaise. you should share here more often! i know certain of us who would appreciate a near-constant stream of updates, but obviously, the world does not revolve around his wants and needs, or else i’m afraid the world would look *quite* different.

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    • I’m not into the slug-eating either! Though if I was, I’d be ok coz our front garden is full of them whenever it rains. Which, of course, it does. I guess I’m not a french hedgehog πŸ˜‰

      I really don’t know what’s behind the winter dissociation. I wish I did, then I could do something about it. It’s happened every winter for over ten years, so there’s definitely something going on. Something happened to us to make winter feel so unsafe. And something must have happened ten years ago to bring the fear back into our consciousness. I don’t like not knowing. I don’t know if winters felt like this when we were young, I don’t remember.

      And I was going to write more, but I drifted away. For about half an hour. My mind just won’t go there. And now I need a nap! Dissociation in action.

      *hugs* for you all, and *nibbles* for Jaime lol

      -Nick xx

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  2. How strange. We get all sleepy and anti-social during winter, but not particularly disassociative and certainly not thinking about hospitals (which is avoided at all costs). I do hope it stays tolerable for you.

    I’m sorry to hear about your kidneys (we have kidney function issues as well- though more
    related to blood pressure). I do hope you remain safe and as well as possible. Warm thoughts ❀ ❀

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    • Our kidney problems are due to the diabetes. We get recurring water infections that are cripplingly painful and creep upwards towards our kidneys every time. Hospital is ok with us, our local one is really nice and the staff are wonderful.
      I think sleepy and anti-social sounds like a primal urge to hibernate! I know how that feels, we get that way too. Maybe we’re both hedgehogs in disguise!
      Soft hugs to you all too xx
      -Nick

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