Here we go again…

Y’know, I’m so tired of being sick, I really am. It’s winter (already!) and the season of the flu bug, and we catch them all. That’s what comes of having a totally shot immune system. P and the kids will get a cold, we’ll get flu. It’s annoying.
Spent last night sleeping in 20 minute stretches, waking up all the time for no reason, so we felt like we’d had no sleep at all. Went back to bed about 11am, and things started to get nasty. Burning up, cold sweats, can’t breathe, everything aches and hurts, nausea, wanting to barf despite taking anti-emetics, so much pain, and the nightmares, oh fuck, the nightmares. Finally crawled out of bed a couple of hours ago, feeling like death, and we still can’t shake the damn nightmares, except I guess they’re daymares now.

Abject misery, blind terror and stuck in flashback hell. Again.We can cope with most triggers, but not this, not feeling this ill.

*closes eyes* This too will pass, this too will pass, this too will pass…

By all the gods, let this get better soon.

-Blaine

Silken Ties

no more
my heart breaks but my mind soars
no more will i be bound
by your selfish desires
no more
will your darkness
extinguish my light
no more
will i be blind to myself
seeing only you
languishing in your shadow
insubstantial

i am not yours
to keep, to control
to use
i am my own self
i am worth more than this
i am
free

silken ties no longer bind

ugh we was so sik las nite

we got treeted to a macdonalds las nite an it was nice an it took us ages to eat. den we feeld so sik after, it was horribl. we didnt frow up but we wanned to coz we feeld so horribl an it hurted a lot too.its not nice wen u eat sumfin yummy an den it hurts ur tummy. in fact it suks. we was gonna play on r ipad but we didnt coz it was too scary to be out. dat suks too. i jus wanna feel beter, is dat so much to ask? frowin my hands up in dispair.

susie

interacting is so hard sometimes

some days, it’s so hard to interact with the outside world.

we can read, and we do, but when we try to interact, to post, to respond, it’s like having a handful of sand.

every little grain of sand is a word, a thought, a feeling, but we can’t hold on to any of them, they just slip through our fingers.

life goes on inside, but the world outside of the body seems ephemeral, out of reach.

we sit and stare at the walls, at the computer screen, nobody really fronting, just drifting.

we write blog posts, long intense emails, but somewhere between the brain and the keyboard, they get lost.

we are not disconnected from each other, but we are from the outside world.

Life is hard. Dissociation is easy.

days like this don’t scare us. it’s peaceful. just drifting.

It cannot last though. We must reconnect. We must find our anchors again.

We always do.

But never think that we don’t care. We care a lot. It’s just sometimes we have a hard time saying so.

forgive us? we are sorry.

Bad times

Our friend, and for many of us, more, is in hospital. They’re a multiple system that some of us have relationships with some of them. It’s complicated!

They had a wound in their foot which was stitched up. The very next day they ripped out the stitches, and left the wound open for a week, so of course it got infected. Cue the ambulance and a stay in hospital. They started acting really odd and paranoid and kinda delusional while they were there, and ended up signing out AMA. Did I mention that we were back and forward from the hozzie coz the nurses kept calling us to go in and calm them down?

2 days later, we’re on the phone, and realise they’re not making any sense. Totally confused, paranoid, thinking people have guns and are coming for them. So again, we call them an ambulance and stay on the phone for an hour waiting for it to come. They had to wait for police backup coz our friend has a history of being abusive and aggressive. They get rushed in, and the docs think the infection has spread and is making them act this way. We think different.

Turns out we were right. They did scans and lumbar punctures and tests, and the infection hadn’t spread. Instead, it’s a psychotic break, and they need psych care. We go in to visit, and they don’t recognise us much, and are spewing hate and vitriol at us, hitting all of our weak points and triggers. So they recognised us enough, I reckon.

They’re still there, waiting for a psych bed, as far as we know. The poor nurses. Our friend is raging delusional, thinks the nurses are trying to kill them, and are wandering through the ward, bursting into the other patient’s rooms and screaming at them. They now have a dedicated nurse with them all the time.

We’re angry coz we’ve been begging them to get psych care for 6 years, and they’ve always blown us off and attacked us for even daring to think that. They always have to be right, you see. It hurts to know that we were right, and to be hurt because we dared to say something. We’ve been hurt so many times over the years by them, but we stayed coz we care. So yeah, we’re angry that all that hurt could have been avoided, if only they didn’t have the burning need to always be right about everything.

And we’re worried about them, coz we care. We don’t know if they’ll be the same people when this is under control. Will those of us with partners there still have them? Or will we be left, alone. We don’t know. We can only hope.

It’s a bad situation all round, it really is.

-Blaine

OMG. Justice for the 96?

The true reports from Hillsborough have been released! And they prove that it was a cover-up by South Yorkshire Police. Just what we always knew, but to have it proven… I don’t have the words. 23 years.

Fuck you Duckenfield, you murdering scum. So many could have been saved if not for you. You stopped anyone from helping them. You allowed them to be pushed back into the pens to die. You stopped the ambulances from reaching them. You left them to die while you watched. And then you lied and lied and lied. You said they were rioting. You said they were drunk. You said they were stealing from the bodies of the dead. You blamed them for the deaths you caused.

Fuck you, South Yorkshire Police. You fucked up, and murdered 96 innocent people. You herded them to their deaths without a care. You put the blame on the dead, and those who lived with the torment of being there and surviving. You took blood tests for alcohol from the corpses. Some of them were CHILDREN, and you wanted to blame them for their own deaths.

Fuck you, The Sun. Your paper isn’t worth wiping my arse with. So your headlines immediately after were the”truth”? So the fans were pissing on the dead, were they? Stealing from them? Beating up the poor hard-done-by police who were “helping”? You’ve been proven for the fucking liars that you are. You wouldn’t print the truth if you knew it. Kelvin McKenzie, you’re the lowest of the low, pond scum is above you.

Well, I guess I had some words after all. The fury hasn’t abated.

We will never forget. Justice for the 96. YNWA.