Feeling rather strange

We don’t normally do trigger warnings, but in light of certain circumstances recently. this is a TW for self-injury and suicidal urges, ok?

We have a history of self-injury, specifically cutting. It was our way of releasing emotional pain. It worked for a long time. But we made the decision to stop, and we did. It wasn’t easy, it still isn’t, but we haven’t cut for 16 years now.

So here’s the confession. We’re terrified of dying. We’ve come too close, too many times, through illness and medical negligence. Every day is a fight to survive, to keep breathing, to be able to move, to eat, to live. So it’s kinda obvious that we have a strong will to survive.

But here’s the strange part. We have urges. Scary urges. Specific urges. We don’t know why, or where they come from, but they affect most of us, and it freaks us the fuck out. We keep getting the urge to cut our left wrist. I say urge, but it’s more like this compulsion, I think. Whatever it is, it sits in the back of our collective mind, and now and then it surfaces to bother us. Coz we don’t want to die. We have no desire at all to suicide. Just to cut the wrist.

Whatever the fuck it is, it’s bothering the hell out of us. We don’t want it. We want it to go away. We’re not going to do it, just not happening. Resistance is not futile. We’ve ignored this feeling since 2008, and we’ll keep on ignoring it. It’s just seriously fucking irritating. And it freaks us out.

Tony

 

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Feeling rather strange

  1. yea tony, tell that creepy compulsion to go to hell! seriously, banish the fuck out of it, tell that compulsion it’s not welcome to be with u anymore and it needs to leave cuz ur not weak enough to give in to it, not ever. tell it who’s bossl

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    • Hell Jaime, I wish I could! It drives me spare sometimes, niggling away at me. You’re right, it is creepy. But it’s not going to happen. Creepy compulsion will never be acted on! Hope you’re doing ok-ish under the circumstances.
      -Tony

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  2. Oh no. I’m sorry that compulsive is running a circle in your head. You are so strong to resist. Sending all our warm and caring thoughts to help strengthen you to keep fighting!

    Does it help to have something like a bracelet on? We do that sometimes and then playing with the bracelet reduces the compulsion…a bit.

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    • We have long fingernails, so sometimes we’ll run a nail across the wrist. Just gently scratching, nothing that would leave a mark. Bracelets and stuff tend to just draw our attention to it too much. It does freak us out, having a compulsion like that in our mind. But we won’t do it, not a chance. Thanks for thinking of us.
      -Tony

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