Just had a blow-up with P. We’d left a pair of boots in the living room and he tripped over them. So he threw them across the room and cursed us out. Then, when we went to hug him, he pushed us away and said no hugs for us until we learn to do better and put stuff away.

I had to jump in and get us away before we broke down in sobs. I just said fine, and took us upstairs to bed. It’s only 6pm but who cares. We don’t cry in front of people, even our partner of 17 years. It’s too vulnerable, and we hate feeling vulnerable. Vulnerable always got us punished, or mocked, or told to stop being so silly. Or it was thrown back in our face. Showing weakness wasn’t allowed. It’s a very hard lesson to un-learn.

I can shut down my emotions in situations like this. That’s why it’s me writing. I’m angry, and numb. Others are sobbing their hearts out. Withholding of affection is one of our few remaining triggers, and it’s a big one. Being told we have to be better to be worthy of affection is a fast trip back to childhood. The closed throat, the choking feeling, the place inside where we feel worthless, it’s all there. Again.

I have to write, because the feelings need to be aired. Otherwise, they’ll fester.

I can feel the rising need to cry coming from Inside, so I’ll step back and let it happen now. People need the release of tears.

And yes, we still love him. We just can’t deal with things that most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at. Thanks trauma for fucking us up.




4 thoughts on “Crying

  1. Hi Matthias,
    though i can understand someone being very grumpy and upset after tripping, it does make us sad to hear about him putting a restriction on when you are allowed to hug him because of this accident. Is he the sort of person who is too worked up in a situation and is much more reasonable after he has calmed down? I’m glad you were there to get the littles away so they could cry in peace, and I hope they know, and you, all of you, that accidents happen and it’s okay, you are all worthy of love and affection regardless of where you leave your boots. 🙂
    I hope everyone’s feeling less triggered soon. ❤


    • Yeah, he’s a quick temper, quick to get over it kind of bloke. We usually cope better, because we know if we can hang in there, it’ll all blow over inside of an hour. It took us a couple of hours this time, and much crying from some people, but we got there. Matthias posting helped get some of the hurt out. And even though the worthless feelings can overwhelm us, Inside nobody is. We all have worth, and we help each other to feel that. Nobody cries alone, Inside.
      It’s all over this morning. We got our morning cup of tea and breakfast made for us, as usual! He may have a quick temper, but he’d never hurt us intentionally. The Littles are a bit quiet, but they’ll be back to their usual bouncy selves in a few hours.
      Thanks for the kind words and care Hats, it means a lot, and everyone really appreciates it ❤


  2. I second what Hats said. You are worthy. You deserve to be loved. You deserve affection. I am sorry he treated you like that. Does he know or is he aware of your past and your triggers? If he is then it was a careless act on his part.
    Carol anne


    • He’s aware of some of our past, but not most of it. He is aware of what our Mum’s like, because she drives him nuts too! Upsetting us so much was totally unintentional. We’re usually more able to cope with the little things, but we’re feeling ill from our new diabetes meds, and that lowers our guard.
      It’s all back to normal this morning, which is good. Thanks for the kind words *smile*


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