It’s our Birthday!!

We have been totally spoilt all day lol First we went out to breakfast, and sat eating our McDonalds muffins at the prom, which is a big park overlooking the Mersey river. That was lovely, as it’s one of our favourite places. We watched the rain falling on the water, and the mist rolling by. It was gorgeous!

Then, we got our prezzie from Harry’s lot. Would you fucking believe it, they bought us an iPad! Yes, a fucking iPad! Stunned speechless, we were lol How cool is that? We got all guilty coz they spent so much moneys on us, but they told us to shut up lol Totally awesome!

After a couple of hours messing with the iPad, we went and had a sleepy nap, and it was blissful. One of those lovely drifty naps where you feel all chilled out and stuff. We didn’t want to wake up lol But we had to.

We went out for a meal with Mum, Dad, Paul and the boys. Lovely foods, luscious apple and blackberry pie and custard, and more prezzies! Cookery books, sheepie notecards, a gorgeous silver charm bracelet, and a heartmelting photo frame with a pic of us holding our little nephew as a tiny baby! Awwwww, that made us tear up. He was born 3 months preemie, and spent 2 and a half months in intensive care before he could come home, so he’s extra special.

Now we’re home, with a nice cup of tea and a big sparkly pink helium balloon, relaxing and recovering lol It’s been a wonderful day, but oh so tiring. And I’ve got an email from my bro to read too! Happy times!

What a great way to celebrate the body being 40 *grin*

Blaine

Maybe?

We currently have 7 books actively being read on the kindle. We’re following 150ish different fanfics. Our winamp playlist right now has everything from Iron Maiden to chinese erhu music on it. Each of our fingernails is a different colour. There are 12 different profiles on our mahjong game.

Y’think maybe we’re multiple? lol

Ethan

So, we’re getting older

It’s our birthday on Friday. We’re being spoilt that day. We’re going for McDonalds breakfast with our friends, and out to dinner in our fave restaurant in the evening with mum, dad, Paul and the kids. It’s going to be exhausting, but in a good way!

It’s a milestone birthday this year, and that makes ua think of all the things we haven’t done with our life, and all the things we wish we could do. We see friends from school, who weren’t as bright as us, and they’ve got great jobs and lots of money and go away on these amazing holidays all the time. And then there’s us, who live on benefits, are disabled, crippled, and haven’t had a holiday in 20 years. It’s depressing at times. There are so many things we used to be able to do. We’ve been a pre-school teaching assistant, a gold dealer, a pawnbroker, a shop manager,  a motorbike mechanic, run our own milk delivery round, and when we had to stop working, we were a double glazing company appointments and personnel manager. So much potential for a rich and varied life, and it’s all gone.

It hurts to feel your life is passing you by, and big birthdays like this one just rub salt in the wounds.

Still, we’re alive, and that counts for something! We have a wonderful fiancé, gorgeous kids, a family we’ve built and wouldn’t change for the world. And we might not have had all of that if we’d been healthy and circumstances had been different. We’d have been different. So I guess life has compensated us for all the things we’ve lost, by giving us what we have now. And we should try and take some measure of comfort in that.

We’ve also got a safe, stable and loving world inside, where people are generally happy and content. Sure we have our problems, but overall, we’re good. And that’s something else to cherish.

So, it’s our birthday on Friday. And we’ll celebrate! And eat! And we’ll enjoy it as best we can!

Nick

Friends

It’s hard to make them, specially when you’re an inside bloke in a female body. People see the body, and that’s it. Sure, we have friends, but they’re either Nick’s or all of ours collectively, coz they don’t know about us all being here! That’s cool and all, but sometimes we feel like it’d be nice to have friends who know we exist, and want to be friends with us individually. That’s even harder, coz our natural instinct is to stay hidden.

But now, I have a friend! And what’s more, he’s an inside bloke in a female body too, so he totally gets it! Do you know how fucking rare that is? To find someone like me who wants to be friends? Friends with me. You have no idea how cool this is! It’s early days yet, but I get a buzz every time he emails me! I HAVE A FRIEND!!! And he’s super awesome lol

Ok, enough with the sappy shit. I just really felt the need to get that out there! I’ll go do manly things for a while now lol

Blaine

Crying

Just had a blow-up with P. We’d left a pair of boots in the living room and he tripped over them. So he threw them across the room and cursed us out. Then, when we went to hug him, he pushed us away and said no hugs for us until we learn to do better and put stuff away.

I had to jump in and get us away before we broke down in sobs. I just said fine, and took us upstairs to bed. It’s only 6pm but who cares. We don’t cry in front of people, even our partner of 17 years. It’s too vulnerable, and we hate feeling vulnerable. Vulnerable always got us punished, or mocked, or told to stop being so silly. Or it was thrown back in our face. Showing weakness wasn’t allowed. It’s a very hard lesson to un-learn.

I can shut down my emotions in situations like this. That’s why it’s me writing. I’m angry, and numb. Others are sobbing their hearts out. Withholding of affection is one of our few remaining triggers, and it’s a big one. Being told we have to be better to be worthy of affection is a fast trip back to childhood. The closed throat, the choking feeling, the place inside where we feel worthless, it’s all there. Again.

I have to write, because the feelings need to be aired. Otherwise, they’ll fester.

I can feel the rising need to cry coming from Inside, so I’ll step back and let it happen now. People need the release of tears.

And yes, we still love him. We just can’t deal with things that most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at. Thanks trauma for fucking us up.

Matthias